Some of you may be familiar with Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages in which he shows readers how to best express love to their partners. Knowing someone’s love language and then intentionally using it to communicate love to them is a beautiful act of selflessness.
When my husband mops the floors, he’s communicating love in the language I prefer - labor, er, acts of service. For Christmas, last year, my gift to him was a collection of my daily observations of his kindnesses. January one through Christmas day, I watched and wrote down all he did. It was easy since he’s so thoughtful and selfless, but it also spoke volumes to him and was more meaningful to him than any other gift. Reading through the pages, his eyes filled with tears, or he’d laugh and say, “I completely forgot about that!”
In an ideal world, we can give to people we care about organically, but that’s not always possible. Sometimes we need a little help in creating space to help others. Great organizations exist to give you the hand you need to find a match. Shout out to Be the One Today (begun in Lynden, WA [betheonetoday.org]) who matches middle and high school kids with adult mentors. This fledgling program is pairing students with community adults who show up and spend time playing games or just talking. To the kids - it speaks volumes.
It’s the sixth love language - the one I boldly believe that Gary Chapman forgot: showing up. I remember when I first began mentoring my mentee. I’d walk in the main doors, and she’d be at the far end of the hall, in silhouette, but her body language asked, “Is she coming?” When she spotted me, she’d relax, as if to say, ‘Whew! She came.’ For kids, showing up is a big deal.
When new mentors had a training session, we were asked to share how we had experienced someone being there for us as kids. After a pause, I volunteered that I was doing this because I did not have this as a kid. How I would have loved it! Someone who came just for me, who’d make a big deal over me, learned what I liked and celebrated it, took an interest in what I had to say. How would my life have been different had I someone who encouraged me and cared about me like these mentors do?
I knew plenty of lovely adults, but most of them just left me alone. Did you know that Maya Angelou spent years as a selective mute? As in, she chose to stay mute. This was the way she protected her little girl self. She’d been abused by her mother’s boyfriend and been sent away to live with her grandmother. She and her brother Bailey landed in Stamps, AR, - her more timidly than him.
As with most small towns, word went around that little Margueritte (her birth name) didn’t speak. Bertha Flowers was a most distinguished woman in what Angelou calls Black Stamps. White Stamps, AR most likely had their distinguished ladies, but in Black Stamps, Mrs. Flowers’ appearance and elegant demeanor captured the imagination of this budding writer. Her grandmother used the slang of the area, dropping verbs and being altogether too informal with Mrs. Flowers. Margueritte was terribly embarrassed, but one day, Mrs. Flowers turned her gracious eyes on young Maya and her world forever changed.
Margueritte/Maya was invited to Mrs. Flowers’s home. Just her. Waiting for her was lemonade and cookies. Just for her. Mrs. Flowers acknowledged that she knew that she didn’t want to speak but encouraged that finding and using her voice around her was safe. She read out loud to her and Maya’s entire being was set ablaze. Struck by the beauty of the words and then entrusted to take the book home, Margueritte would do anything for Mrs. Flowers. She returned many more time, reading aloud to Mrs. Flowers now.
She was safe, known and loved. She could speak. Those of you who know Maya Angelou’s work know that she has an impressive resume of highly acclaimed work. I wonder what her life would have been like if her voice hadn’t been released by Mrs. Flowers? The world of art and literature would have missed a bright light. Maya rightly gets plenty of recognition, but I look at Mrs. Flowers, the woman who saw something in a quiet little girl and determined to love her.
Many of us need our own Mrs. Flowers, for to be known and loved by someone who notices us is life-changing. For many, it’s our parents or siblings or a really close friend. Some kids don’t have that luxury - for a variety of reasons. Those are the kids who find the mentoring coordinator at school and ask to be put on the list. Then they wait for a match, for that one adult who will show up for them.
At a graduation ceremony, a retiring teacher said, “I wasn’t the right teacher for everyone, but I was the exact right one for some.” I’ll never forget that. We don’t have to be “the right one” for everyone, just some, or maybe just one. Trust me, it’s enough. The benefits for the adult and the student are myriad, but for the student, it goes beyond the benefits of improved grades, self-esteem and confidence. Those aren’t the reasons they seek a mentor; they seek a mentor because someone will show up for them. And showing up for a kid can be done in so many ways. A good match ensures an adult’s and student’s interests align. Win/ win.
I understand that not everyone can mentor, usually work hours are prohibitive, but many more can than do. If you’ve ever played a card game with a niece, nephew or grandchild, you can mentor. If you’ve ever helped a child bake a batch of cookies, or taken them out for ice cream, you can mentor. Your mentee may not grow up to be a famous writer, but they’ll forever know that you showed up for them, just as they are. Most importantly, it made a difference.
Having collected testimonies from hundreds over the past 10 years of students who have mentors, I see the profound difference a caring adult makes in supporting a young person's life journey during the critical transition years of middle and high school. Showing up consistently and demonstrating a real interest in hearing what the student has to say cultivates a sanctuary in time and a respite for our youth. These students always express their appreciation for the friendship they experience and love being able to "hit the pause button" and decompress from the wide variety of pressures they are experiencing. Thank you for being a mentor who encourages others to join in the joyful experience of befriending a young person.
Great article Sue!!! Well said! You and I have the same heart!